Why I'm not chasing breakthroughs anymore

I was trying to heal my way out of humanity

I’ve always loved a good insight, an ‘ah-ha’ moment.

My insights were what brought me to blogging many years ago. I would have a revelation, think ‘wow this is fucking life changing’, I’d type away at 3am feeling so inspired that I just HAD to share my new found insights with the world.

Writing them down helped them to stick, little moments in time, little reminders of lessons I’d learned.

It took me a good 10 years from that point to realise an insight wasn’t a breakthrough- an insight or an ‘ah-ha’ moment in the mind wasn’t necessarily shifting anything within the body.

More recently I’ve been on the path of chasing breakthroughs. Using the Gene Keys and life’s challenges as a guide, noticing shadows, patterns, cycles, then when the moment came, when life presented an opportunity to spiral back around to an old pattern- sitting with a deeper level of discomfort that I’ve ever been able to before. Dropping down into the body, feeling the emotions, holding them, moving them through me- until suddenly light bursts forth, and I feel a shift deep within, something breaks, my heart cracks open.

A breakthrough.

Except, was it a breakthrough? Because 3 weeks later I’m back in the shadow lands, seeing the same pattern raise its ugly head again, and again the shame resurfaces, I see that there is still more love needed here.

Then I wonder, was it even a breakthrough? Did anything even shift? Did I imagine it?

Breakthroughs aren’t here to make us fucking robots.

I’m not a robot, I’m a fucking human being.

Just because I had an incredible moment of breakthrough- doesn’t mean I will never face that same pattern again, doesn’t mean those fears or desires are suddenly burned clear from my DNA.

I am still a fucking human being!

And then I realise, was I constantly chasing a way to heal from my humanity?

I was.

All along, subtle layers, distain for the human experience, the faults and flaws, the vulnerability, the weakness, the tenderness… heal it away please.

That’s what I’ve been asking.

Universe, send me challenges so I can burn off karmic patterns and become a fucking robot.

A robot who no longer dances in the shadows, who no longer suffers, or falls down, who no longer faces fears or makes mistakes, who doesn’t feel the depths of grief and pain.

Attempting to heal away my humanity.

Yet nothing I’ve ever done has brought me to a place of perfection, because that was never the point.

Healing was always about loving myself in my humanity, which in turn brings me into deeper connection with my divinity.

So that’s why I’m not chasing breakthroughs anymore.

I will still have those moments, moments where I sit with the pain for so long something inside me burns up, something shifts, the needle moves, timelines collapse, I heal for me and for the collective- if I’m honest, I’ll always have a slight addiction to these moments.

What I won’t expect, is that on the other side of the breakthrough, I am suddenly less human.

What I will expect is for that very same pattern to return time and time again.

Next time it resurfaces, I’ll know ‘I’ve moved through this before, I can move through this again’. I will remind myself that being deep in the shadow lands means there is more love to be poured on this old wound, that’s all this is.

The breakthrough breeds self-trust, it’s a little win, a reminder next time ‘I’ve got this’, but it’s not a portal to a perfection, simply another lap around the spiral of healing and expansion.

Lisa Marie, xx.

I would love to hear your experiences with this, have you found yourself saying ‘why am I back here'?’ with the expectation that your breakthrough would have somehow cured your humanity?

How might asking ‘how can I love myself in the shadow?’ shift things?

If you’re as obsessed with healing and expansion in spirals as I am, I am building a community for us! A membership platform with teachings, meditations, somatic practices, journaling prompts and monthly zoom calls- a space for connection and collaboration.

Launching this August! I am inviting 20 founding members to build a beautiful culture before I open the doors to the public, if this is calling you- let me know and we can chat.

xx